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If your vagina could talk, what would it say?

Updated: Aug 16, 2023

Funny vagina stories and myths

“I bet you're worried. I was worried. I was worried about vaginas. I was worried about what we think about vaginas, and even more worried that we don't think about them.”
Eve Ensler, The Vagina Monologues

When did you last say the word vagina? It happens to be one of my favourite words in the whole wide world. Yes, I do not shy from being a disgrace in the public eye. Rather, as a self-proclaimed nuisance to the masses, I like to create discomfort to disrupt narratives. I know, a bit too crass for most’s taste but let it be known, I prefer my palm wine to taste like swamp ass so clearly, my palette is not familiar with talking pleasant and flowery.

If your vagina had a mouth, would her monologue on you be a kind one? Or would she burst into an Ursula rendition of Poor Unfortunate Souls?

Mine would most certainly praise and worship the ground I walk on because I keep her tight, trimmed and tease her whenever she needs a cleanse. I know, I am perfect.


Did you believe any of the nonsense about worship? No? Did not think so. I heard laughter in the quiet echoing its way like shame down my soul.

I am the girl who sprayed perfume inside her knickers because she wanted to smell pretty. Spritz went my spray bottle and screams escaped my lips with brilliant ease. The pain and horror.

I did not use my own sense to remember the alcohol in the spray that would leave a burning sting. Be wiser than I, darlings. Be wiser than I.

How to be wiser than I? Make less senseless mistakes. Take care of your vagina, vulva and all the ‘’v’’ that leads to the cervix from the place of knowledge.

Common tidbits to get your vagina blooming and beaming

Start scheduling solo sessions.

Masturbation gets a bad rep unfortunately but gosh is it a necessary indulgence. It releases endorphins and releases blood flow through your body while also stimulating pleasure points in your brain. This also helps relieve pain. Remember the last period's cramps?

A little rub-rub helps loosen up your lady parts. As a bonus, it helps relax, lowers stress and often sends you right into sleep. We all could use a little more zzzs so we are less grumpier throughout the day.

Stay clean, dry and let her breathe. The undergarments you choose should be made from naturally breathable fabric like cotton. Yes, check the tags on your underwear like you do your clothes. They should also be well-fitting. Not too tight.

After working out, change out of the sweat-soaked clothes to avoid sitting in damp, moist underwear too long. Why? Yeast infections shall gladly come to visit. If possible, sleep naked. Go full commando and stretch out those legs like you do your weave.

Invest in your vagina. Go visit your gynaecologist. Do you even have a gynaecologist? Maybe start there. Get one, and have a pap smear scheduled while you are down there.

Buy those sex toys. Do not be shy. Having a bit of a dry spell with humans, go woo a robot. (Too dry a joke?)

Explore your body with patience. Do not rush her, think of it as ageing wine to get into a full floral round bouquet. Go slow. Learn your pleasure spots so you do not have to eye-roll while someone else fumbles around your body and wastes your time. However, as you fumble around yourself, you may eye-roll yourself, so maybe it will teach you to have grace on all the people that failed to satisfy you.

Ever heard about yoni pearls and yoni steaming?

They are a natural, holistic way to cleanse or detox your vagina. Well, when was the last time you tried out something new? Give your vagina the spa treatment it so evidently deserves. Go check out Yoni Health Herbs on Instagram for a more in-depth perspective on the benefits of pearls and steaming.

Pay keen attention to your diet. You are what you eat. The shaming phrase my mother used in abundance. Bless her soul.

Drinking 8 glasses of water each day does more for your body than just glowy skin. It keeps your vagina moist and not parched, it also keeps foul odours at bay.

Probiotics like yoghurt are your ally. Indulge in them every day if you can. They contain good bacteria that help keep too much of the bad at bay. Have your apple a day too as it does more than keeping the doctor away and keep you as a teacher’s pet. Other foods to indulge in are avocados and cranberries.

Get off your high horse and use lube. I know, self-esteem is very fragile in the bedroom. Women love to be naturally wet. Wait, is that not what WAP is about?

Yeah, pass me the lube. I am not built for struggle. I love to achieve maximum results with minimal resources. Lube is not your enemy or competition. Nor is it a sign of defeat. Lube is here to help you and enhance your pleasure. Choose lube and let lube help you.

Front to back is the rule. Bathroom etiquette and sex-wise. Wipe front to back. Doing the reverse puts your vagina at risk of catching an infection as your backside bacteria get a free, quick travel pass. In the bedroom, switching from vaginal to anal is ill-advised. Unless you have a clean in between passes.

Engage in safe sex. Using a condom is about more than just pregnancy. Some STDs are transferred by skin contact alone. Besides, can you ever be fully certain about another person's business? No. Of course, no. So, instead, why not protect your own because that is the only assurance you shall get. The sexual network is quite a rich spread at the moment and we have all learnt the art of smooth-talking and risk-taking. Let us be honest, we are all better liars in this generation yet the amount of catfishing is shamelessly on the rise. If someone can lie about their identity, what else are people willing to lie about just to get a taste of you. Use that condom.

While being safe, get tested for any STDs or STIs. Know where you stand. This way, you are not passing on infections to others as well.

The all so glorious pubes debate. To be honest, I feel like this goes down to preference.

“I realized that the hair is there for a reason – it’s the leaf around the flower, the lawn around the house. You have to love the hair in order to love the vagina. You can’t pick the parts you want.”
Eve Ensler, The Vagina Monologues

How do you prefer yours? Shaved? Full bush? Designed into a butterfly? A little trim? Full Brazillian wax.

Well, do you as you please. But, keep clean, keep it neat.

“To love women, to love our vaginas, to know them and touch them and be familiar with who we are and what we need. To satisfy ourselves, to teach our lovers to satisfy us, to be present in our vaginas, to speak of them out loud, to speak of their hunger and pain and loneliness and humour, to make them visible so they cannot be ravaged in the dark without great consequence, so that our centre, our point, our motor, our dream, is no longer detached, mutilated, numb, broken, invisible, or ashamed.”
Eve Ensler, The Vagina Monologues

Talk about your vagina more. Learn from your peers, those older than you and definitely, from your doctor about how to keep your yoni healthy. I know how daunting it can be to blurt out the word vagina, so, maybe ease into it. Start by making silly jokes with the word around your friends. Humour always opens up people into talking about things they usually hide. It is the breeding ground of honesty. Or a fall out with friends, if you use insensitive jokes.

Vaginas are magic blossoms and powerful muscles. Vaginas seem taboo and unclean because of the narratives overpowering the conversation. Why not talk more about them as much as we do other body parts. Disrupt the narrative and silly pet names like "pussy". People use the same word as an insult to someone being weak. If you were to give your vagina a name, what would it be?

Mine would probably be "Minnie Me". The reason being, I ignored her too much too long, and I have to take time to understand her. My inner child work is clearly a fun fare.

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